Monday, February 9, 2009


I knew it was just a matter of time before we received some negative news about our Flowerbud. In the grand scheme of things the news really isn't that bad, it just feels overwhelmingly negative given that my hormones are doing whatever it is they're doing post-pregnancy.

I had grand plans to attend the medical rounds in the NICU starting yesterday. Not the best idea I've ever had. Mothers need not hear about every episode of bradycardia (low heart rate) requiring stimulation. Mothers need not hear about failed PICC attempts, or abnormal lab values, or retractions. Not this mother anyways. I'll take only good news please from here on out. Having been through this NICU thing before, I know that everything that is happening is normal. Some days Flowerbud will take two steps backwards. I just hate that it allows me to think about all of the what-ifs.

While listening to (and automatically obsessing about) every detail pertaining to Flowerbud's condition yesterday morning, her heart rate dipped. Twice. While I was holding her. I couldn't get her out of my hands fast enough. 

Today I had two nice visits during which I gave her feedings. For the first visit she stayed in the isolette but for the second feeding I held her. Her heart rate dipped again, requiring stimulation. Then as I was saying goodbye to her she spit up what looked like the entire feeding I had just given her.  

Tonight the NICU called to tell me she had been moved to another spot, partly because she was doing so well. "It's a good thing" the nurse told me. But the nurse in me knows that this means she will now have less attention from her nurses based on staffing/acuity in the unit. What if she spits up again and no one is around to see her and she aspirates?


Meanwhile, the little flower started a new music class today with her nanny. She also started swimming lessons on Saturdays, Daddy will take her to those. She did great her first time. We were worried she might not want to get in the water without Chris, but off she went without hesitation. She even went under the water. She's been sleeping through the night in her big girl bed, too. 

 "Pssstt...I'm alright Mommy"

1 comment:

MamáChanga said...

It's the rational, logical, want-to- be-in-control-of-something part of us that makes us want that info. Yet the faithful part of us would rather forgo all of that and concentrate on only those forward steps.

I know what you are going through, and I know what you are feeling---KNOW that I am thinking of you all and praying.

Sending you hugs & blessings from across the miles!